The Vulnerability of Seeking Community

You gotta put yourself out there (whatever deeper relationships you long for).

On Saturday we hosted our “Community Curious Cohort” at our home. My husband, kids and I live with another family in what we sometimes call a “micro monastery” (and what The Times called a ‘Middle Class Commune), and we love it. I write in more detail about our story in Fully Alive, but the key thing to know is it was Not Easy to get here. None of the systems and structures around housing are set up to make room for experiments like ours. Many people long for less atomised lives, see the absurdity of living in little hutches amidst our climate, loneliness, overwork and housing crises, but don’t know how to jump off the tram tracks.

We’re trying to make it easier. We learned a lot, hacking our way through the barriers you meet at every stage, and we want to share that learning. At the moment the cohort is just a pilot. We are co-creating a course and resources with some people in our network, round the edges of our day jobs. Maybe it will see the light of day more formally, maybe it won’t. Meanwhile, we are having a blast.

Two themes comes up again and again: intention and vulnerability. To express a desire is always vulnerable. To let yourself yearn for something you do not have, and then go after it, risking disappointment, requires courage. Whenever someone tells me they really want a relationship, or kids, or they are desperate to feel more part of a community, I want to applaud the honesty. Saying what we really want, especially relationally, without shame or apology, is so badass. Many of us have to root out a lot of “shoulds” (I should be ok on my own, I shouldn’t desire this, this should have happened more easily) to get there.

Wanting something outside the mainstream, like living up close with others, adds another layer. We have had to relax about people thinking we are weirdos, which is easier for some temperaments and in some tribes than others. And the actual finding of people to live with? One of the most vulnerable processes of my life.

We joke about dating being the best metaphor, but it really is. Finding people who might also want to live in counter cultural ways requires putting yourself out there, on repeat, in a lot of places. It is not something that often happens by accident. It is hard for people to help you with an unspoken desire: don’t ask, don’t get. But asking can’t help but involve a lot of rejection.

We began by awkwardly raising living more communally in conversations. The responses ranged from repelled (“I could never do that” is a common refrain) to mildly intrigued. Lots of people were interested, in theory at least, but vaguely, without much intention behind it. Some light flirting, no follow through. So we got more direct, and started essentially asking people out. “Would you like to come for lunch to explore the possibility of one day living together?” is not your standard invite, but very clarifying. We learned not to waste too much time before having “the talk“. Pushing people to be honest about their intentions saved a lot of time. We didn’t need commitment immediately (in fact we have also learned that building in regular exit ramps is key to creating enough safety for people to really consider it) but we did want a sense of momentum. Resisting our cultural formation towards distraction and disconnection takes work and we needed people also prepared to get stuck in.

We got quite far into a “dating” relationship with one family, before realising it wasn’t quite the right fit. Disentangling ourselves with kindness and honesty took all my courage (we are still good friends). Various others pulled back once they got to know us a bit, which stung mildly. But in the end, we found our people.

My favourite recent moment with the cohort was when one participant turned to another who they had not known before, and asked the question, straight out, in front of everyone: “so…would you like to explore living together?”. I burst into applause.

Only a small proportion of you will want to live as weirdly as we do, but my guess a lot of you long for deeper relationships. More numerous, committed and honest friendships, more belonging with work colleagues, more intimacy in your romantic life. To actually know your neighbours. I think the same principle applies. We rarely get these things without being vulnerable enough to actively seek connection, modelling a level of intention, even though we definitely will not look “chill”. I am so done with chill. I was never cool in the first place. I am earnest and intense and going unashamedly after a life of knowing and being known, prioritising relationships with my own soul, creation, others and divine Love. The more I allow myself permission for this, the more adventures I have. Yes, there is some rejection along the way, but also massively more intimacy.

Where could you put yourself out there today? Who could you “ask out”? Is there someone you would like to be friends with? A few people you’d like to grow spiritually with? Which relationship that you are already in which could you deepen with an invitation to take it more seriously, offering more honesty and vulnerability than has yet been the norm? Is there a neighbour’s door you could knock on with some leftover cake or garden flowers or an offer to take in parcels? A local congregation you could steel yourself to visit? You might get rejected. Not everyone is going to be open and welcoming. and many will be too busy or distracted. I promise you will live. If rejection is a deep fear you struggle with, can I recommend this talk by a dear, late friend of our community, Caleb Meakins? Whether through this kind of systematic desensitisation, or with tiny baby steps, if you keep going I would be very surprised if you do not build deeper connections and find your people. And that, I can confidently say, is worth all the discomfort.