I’ve spent my life, hoping to find three other musicians to form a string quartet. I came close once and found two out of three, but alas, finding that fourth one has been elusive. I’ve always felt it’s like trying to find four people who want to marry each other because you have to work so intimately on a regular basis. I suspect that multiple families living together have to pay a high price but if you can find the right combination of people, the music you will make will be heavenly.
Wow. Thank you. Very inspirational. I'm going to text a loose acquaintance today thanks to you!
I've found that if I am trying and trying and trying to build community for several months with the same group of people, then it's just not a community-minded group. Time to move on. If it feels more like doing work than having a good time, it's probably not a good fit. That's a lesson I keep having to re-learn. Sigh.
Loved listening to this as a break from essay writing. It made me wonder about the kinds of people you ended up living with. Did you end up attracting families/couples like your own or quite different personalities? Interesting that it is a chosen community, unlike the monastics who are stuck with who is there! Difference is a big part of community right?
My husband pushed me out of my comfort zone when we lived in Paris, a number of years ago by exploring the possibility of living with another family in community. It turned out to be one of the best decisions we ever made, and our relationships with that family continue to stay, even though we both moved back to the states, In California, and Minnesota. We still keep in touch and visit and nothing could have replaced those early years of living with them and their children before we had children. They also were very invitational too to other people so we lived with a lot of other people along the way too from all over the world and every walk of life.
When I read you describing your life, Elizabeth, I yearn for something similar again! Maybe we will make it happen :-)
We tried this thirty years ago with another young married couple, but none of us were mature enough to be intentional and communicate well and it ended in disaster. Then just two years ago, we tried filling our extra bedrooms with mature adult boarders, only to find out too late that one was an alcoholic and the other had (what sure appeared to be) borderline personality disorder--and was triggered by alcohol. That also ended badly. I love the concept, though, and applaud you for doing the hard work to make it functional. Have you considered eventually writing some sort of guide book to help people pursue unventional community?
I considered intentional community for a minute, but I found that a lot of people who are drawn to it are drawn to it because they grew up in unstable homes. They don't always have the skills to execute it very well. So, one has to be really clear about rules.
For example, every summer, my father hires random people to work on his fishing boat in Alaska. It's a tight living space and they work round the clock. He has the skippers sign a contract agreeing to "no drugs, drinking, or swearing." Cigarettes are tolerated. One guy brought weed on the boat and was promptly dropped off at shore. Another guy swore ever other word. My dad gave him grace and by the end of the season his swearing habit had really improved. The guy said he had never in his life been around people who didn't swear. So, it was a growth experience for him.
I’ve spent my life, hoping to find three other musicians to form a string quartet. I came close once and found two out of three, but alas, finding that fourth one has been elusive. I’ve always felt it’s like trying to find four people who want to marry each other because you have to work so intimately on a regular basis. I suspect that multiple families living together have to pay a high price but if you can find the right combination of people, the music you will make will be heavenly.
This feels like the premise of a beautiful, wistful short story. Thank you for sharing it! I hope you find your fourth
Wow. Thank you. Very inspirational. I'm going to text a loose acquaintance today thanks to you!
I've found that if I am trying and trying and trying to build community for several months with the same group of people, then it's just not a community-minded group. Time to move on. If it feels more like doing work than having a good time, it's probably not a good fit. That's a lesson I keep having to re-learn. Sigh.
Loved listening to this as a break from essay writing. It made me wonder about the kinds of people you ended up living with. Did you end up attracting families/couples like your own or quite different personalities? Interesting that it is a chosen community, unlike the monastics who are stuck with who is there! Difference is a big part of community right?
My husband pushed me out of my comfort zone when we lived in Paris, a number of years ago by exploring the possibility of living with another family in community. It turned out to be one of the best decisions we ever made, and our relationships with that family continue to stay, even though we both moved back to the states, In California, and Minnesota. We still keep in touch and visit and nothing could have replaced those early years of living with them and their children before we had children. They also were very invitational too to other people so we lived with a lot of other people along the way too from all over the world and every walk of life.
When I read you describing your life, Elizabeth, I yearn for something similar again! Maybe we will make it happen :-)
We tried this thirty years ago with another young married couple, but none of us were mature enough to be intentional and communicate well and it ended in disaster. Then just two years ago, we tried filling our extra bedrooms with mature adult boarders, only to find out too late that one was an alcoholic and the other had (what sure appeared to be) borderline personality disorder--and was triggered by alcohol. That also ended badly. I love the concept, though, and applaud you for doing the hard work to make it functional. Have you considered eventually writing some sort of guide book to help people pursue unventional community?
Yes we are hoping to! Lots of groundwork needed
I considered intentional community for a minute, but I found that a lot of people who are drawn to it are drawn to it because they grew up in unstable homes. They don't always have the skills to execute it very well. So, one has to be really clear about rules.
For example, every summer, my father hires random people to work on his fishing boat in Alaska. It's a tight living space and they work round the clock. He has the skippers sign a contract agreeing to "no drugs, drinking, or swearing." Cigarettes are tolerated. One guy brought weed on the boat and was promptly dropped off at shore. Another guy swore ever other word. My dad gave him grace and by the end of the season his swearing habit had really improved. The guy said he had never in his life been around people who didn't swear. So, it was a growth experience for him.
It can be so transformative
*unconventional*