I can certainly relate to this, as, I'm sure, can many women. This dynamic happens not just on public stages but in private gatherings as well. One thing I am learning to do is to just let myself, and my responses, be very feminine and womanly when they want to be. Not in a deliberately challenging way—through they might provide some challenge—but in a way that grounds and illuminates everything else. The intuition that we as women seem to have more access to and that allows us to read a room and sense the way energy is flowing can, I think, give us an advantage when we allow ourselves to fully inhabit it.
There have been times when I have listened to men hotly debating a topic and taking it all in, letting it percolate—I am reminded of Mary "pondering all these things in her heart"—and when I am finally able to speak, I'm able to offer a reflection that helps to crystallize an idea the men have been wrestling toward, or helps everyone to realize an idea or possibility that has been hidden beneath the surface. When this happens, I find that the men can be quite magnetized toward what I am saying and grateful for what I've offered.
Of course, most of the time I don't do this, and sometimes it comes across quite awkwardly. I think it's better when my focus is more on being a vessel for some kind of truth to come through rather than feeling that I need to be heard and to get my point across. But I do think there is sometimes an alchemy to be found in, as you said, letting men be men but also allowing myself as a woman to be a woman in a conversation.
I was at a church study day last week about AI and faith. Discussion was vigorous. A participant commented
"This is all head stuff, where is the heart?" The men in the group had nothing to say in response. I have been thinking about this all week so your insightful essay hits the spot. Thank you.
I was at the event I think you're talking about, and so just want to say a huge thank you for showing up and not 'cosplaying', knowing what it might cost you. To see something of myself in someone on the panel, and to hear you bring such moving and emotional perspectives completely expanded my experience of the event.
For what it’s worth, it is because of my male left-brained way of coming to life that I find your writing and podcasts so very refreshing. Thank you for this glimpse into how and why all this is so difficult for you and other women. Keep those poems and tears coming, and please don’t mind too much if I have to squirm a bit before letting in the beauty and truth (yes, it’s often in that order) of what you’re saying. You have such a unique voice, Elizabeth. We all need you to keep using it.
This resonated with me in so many ways. Thank you. I've shoved a sock in my mouth for decades, because I'm still not sure it's worth showing up in the male arena, prey to the 'rape to death and masturbation over your corpse' messages. Interestingly, though, the only flack I've received to date in response to my work has come from women – wounded, angry feminists, who think I'm letting the side down (I write a lot about male violence and forgiveness, which isn't always a happy combination). Maybe someone will always have a gripe, whatever gender they are? Maybe our job as strong, intelligent women is to keep going regardless? When I feel crabbit about it, I think of Etty Hillesum, Frida Kahlo, Emily Dickinson. Their lives were harder than mine, but they didn't silence themselves and didn't let others silence them. It's me giving myself a kick up the bum and a hug at the same time! Thanks for your work.
The “failure to thrive” feeling of being a token is real and, it turns out, well-documented. Malcolm Gladwell’s newest book traces some of this and shows that, oddly, 30% is the “magic” number (in ALL kinds of contexts) where representation tips from being awkward, marginalized token to normalized participants with agency. 25% is not quite enough.
So there’s that. But what I really came to say is that I NEED the steady challenges and reminders to embrace discomfort and stay open and curious. I am convinced this is the path of fully-aliveness for my soul, even as I am prone to resist it. So I’m unspeakably grateful that you keep naming and pointing and modeling this publicly (with tears and poems: how helpful these are for my spirit!!). I NEED to keep company with anyone else practicing this!
So, YES! to where you land on this.
But also…it’d still be good for humanity if at least 30% of every panel was right hemisphere. Just saying.
Thank you so much for this. I work in education and this piece set off my thinking about the types of thinking (and being) we are trying to instil in our young people and the part I can play in offering another path.
Thank you, Elizabeth, for being you and capturing your experience and perspective this way. I've read it twice, and my confidence in this way of knowing grows each time. Poetic gestures are enough
This is SO excellent Elizabeth! It's a topic that is not taken seriously enough but you gave it a fully alive treatment!
I'm glad you included the dreadful comment you received about a rape and death threat because it brings up the often neglected point that many women are not stepping up to the plate or going into politics because of fear of bodily harm. Well done! And I will pray that you will continue your good works in safety and that more women with such strength of purpose will join you to really level the playing field. Here's a mantra that Maya Angelou used during times when feeling not up to a challenge, "In God I live and move and have my being".
I just watched the panel you are referring to last night, and was complaining to my husband about all the misogynistic comments on YouTube in response (on Alex O'Connor's channel). I was really touched by your approach, emotionality and your reading of the poem. I'm a poet and woman myself and was pleased to find someone speaking my language. I was beginning to tire of the logical, rational, scientific arguments against God by so many men, as I'm starting to see just how they are missing the whole point of the mystery of human transcendence. I'm currently a seeker, drawn to church but struggling with my thoughts about the (patriarchal) institution and my previous atheism, but you are one of the people I have come across lately who is giving me new hope and direction. I bought your (audio)book last night and am already stuck in. Thank you for speaking about this topic so eloquently and with such alive-ness.
I like you wish for all religions/spirituality to be rescued from Patriarchy. The One True God of Abraham and given the moniker "Him" as a backlash to the more ancient many gods including the prominent life giving woman as God had the biggest influence in created it. Jesus as a Christian had better instincts towards women if only that would be highlighted.
This articulates so many things I've felt. It reminds me a bit of Chesterton in Orthodoxy when he says "The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits."
In his book Dominion, Tom Holland ends by saying that to write about the history of Christianity is to write about the doings of men, but to reflect on what Christianity means left him reflecting on the example of women in his life. I don't take this to mean that women are more Christian, or holier. But in my experience, women are less interested in propositions and more interested in experiences, and that's a very needed thing.
Perhaps once I fully step forward into the public with my creative/vocational voice (my day job is already very public in philanthropy) I will pitch myself for your pod - and we can become wonderfully curious kin. There is so little difference between an animist and a Christian, when it comes to the essence of our faith(s), imho.
As an academic who is non-binary but raised as a woman I really resonated with a lot of this! I am always hesitant to speak on topics I am not at least 80% confident on, even though I know my male colleagues would. A tricky thing to try and overcome.
As an aside, thank for the introduction to the idea of different hemispheric approaches!
Beautifully articulated. And I recall, back in the 80s and 90s, being the only pregnant woman in business school. The only woman in a room of bankers. Or IT types. The token women. Very uncomfortable. Made for some weird re-shaping and confirming of how I presented myself. And, someone had to go first. Our mothers did the same in their time. So thank you for bearing the discomfort and shifting the contexts. Even if only a bit.
Such a wonderful piece. So refreshing to see two heartfelt thinkers “yes, and-ing” (a principle from improv) each other to precipitate insight.
I felt especially “seen”, as they say nowadays (as man who is quicker to articulate a feeling than use Greek) when you wrote “right hemispherically minded people”. It opens the door for the Emissary and Master to usefully regain their rightful place in the body of each person and in our society.
It was the early promise of decoupling gender from sex that I found hopeful. There are probably plenty of non-binary folks who might have lots to add here. Maybe in the newly reclaimed space of left/right brain we have reason for hope.
Such a necessary conversation. I want to cheer you on - we so need women's voices in the public sphere, and it is so hard! The power differential is not going away anytime soon and those women who enter the fray deserve support from the rest of us.
I've come to believe that women (and others) need to find and nourish their own ways of making their voices heard, their own kinds of support in order to persevere. Tara Mohr's Playing Big programme offers one way I've found helpful, and the writing of Simone de Beauvoir pushes me into action on days when hiding feels more comfortable.
I can certainly relate to this, as, I'm sure, can many women. This dynamic happens not just on public stages but in private gatherings as well. One thing I am learning to do is to just let myself, and my responses, be very feminine and womanly when they want to be. Not in a deliberately challenging way—through they might provide some challenge—but in a way that grounds and illuminates everything else. The intuition that we as women seem to have more access to and that allows us to read a room and sense the way energy is flowing can, I think, give us an advantage when we allow ourselves to fully inhabit it.
There have been times when I have listened to men hotly debating a topic and taking it all in, letting it percolate—I am reminded of Mary "pondering all these things in her heart"—and when I am finally able to speak, I'm able to offer a reflection that helps to crystallize an idea the men have been wrestling toward, or helps everyone to realize an idea or possibility that has been hidden beneath the surface. When this happens, I find that the men can be quite magnetized toward what I am saying and grateful for what I've offered.
Of course, most of the time I don't do this, and sometimes it comes across quite awkwardly. I think it's better when my focus is more on being a vessel for some kind of truth to come through rather than feeling that I need to be heard and to get my point across. But I do think there is sometimes an alchemy to be found in, as you said, letting men be men but also allowing myself as a woman to be a woman in a conversation.
I can imagine you doing that beautifully
I was at a church study day last week about AI and faith. Discussion was vigorous. A participant commented
"This is all head stuff, where is the heart?" The men in the group had nothing to say in response. I have been thinking about this all week so your insightful essay hits the spot. Thank you.
I was at the event I think you're talking about, and so just want to say a huge thank you for showing up and not 'cosplaying', knowing what it might cost you. To see something of myself in someone on the panel, and to hear you bring such moving and emotional perspectives completely expanded my experience of the event.
Oh thank you Hannah
For what it’s worth, it is because of my male left-brained way of coming to life that I find your writing and podcasts so very refreshing. Thank you for this glimpse into how and why all this is so difficult for you and other women. Keep those poems and tears coming, and please don’t mind too much if I have to squirm a bit before letting in the beauty and truth (yes, it’s often in that order) of what you’re saying. You have such a unique voice, Elizabeth. We all need you to keep using it.
Thank you Richard. I appreciate the honesty and the encouragement
This resonated with me in so many ways. Thank you. I've shoved a sock in my mouth for decades, because I'm still not sure it's worth showing up in the male arena, prey to the 'rape to death and masturbation over your corpse' messages. Interestingly, though, the only flack I've received to date in response to my work has come from women – wounded, angry feminists, who think I'm letting the side down (I write a lot about male violence and forgiveness, which isn't always a happy combination). Maybe someone will always have a gripe, whatever gender they are? Maybe our job as strong, intelligent women is to keep going regardless? When I feel crabbit about it, I think of Etty Hillesum, Frida Kahlo, Emily Dickinson. Their lives were harder than mine, but they didn't silence themselves and didn't let others silence them. It's me giving myself a kick up the bum and a hug at the same time! Thanks for your work.
A hug and a kick up the bum sounds a great recipe
The “failure to thrive” feeling of being a token is real and, it turns out, well-documented. Malcolm Gladwell’s newest book traces some of this and shows that, oddly, 30% is the “magic” number (in ALL kinds of contexts) where representation tips from being awkward, marginalized token to normalized participants with agency. 25% is not quite enough.
So there’s that. But what I really came to say is that I NEED the steady challenges and reminders to embrace discomfort and stay open and curious. I am convinced this is the path of fully-aliveness for my soul, even as I am prone to resist it. So I’m unspeakably grateful that you keep naming and pointing and modeling this publicly (with tears and poems: how helpful these are for my spirit!!). I NEED to keep company with anyone else practicing this!
So, YES! to where you land on this.
But also…it’d still be good for humanity if at least 30% of every panel was right hemisphere. Just saying.
Such a helpful stat
Thank you so much for this. I work in education and this piece set off my thinking about the types of thinking (and being) we are trying to instil in our young people and the part I can play in offering another path.
Thank you, Elizabeth, for being you and capturing your experience and perspective this way. I've read it twice, and my confidence in this way of knowing grows each time. Poetic gestures are enough
This is SO excellent Elizabeth! It's a topic that is not taken seriously enough but you gave it a fully alive treatment!
I'm glad you included the dreadful comment you received about a rape and death threat because it brings up the often neglected point that many women are not stepping up to the plate or going into politics because of fear of bodily harm. Well done! And I will pray that you will continue your good works in safety and that more women with such strength of purpose will join you to really level the playing field. Here's a mantra that Maya Angelou used during times when feeling not up to a challenge, "In God I live and move and have my being".
Brava! Superb, timely, on point.
Thank you.
I just watched the panel you are referring to last night, and was complaining to my husband about all the misogynistic comments on YouTube in response (on Alex O'Connor's channel). I was really touched by your approach, emotionality and your reading of the poem. I'm a poet and woman myself and was pleased to find someone speaking my language. I was beginning to tire of the logical, rational, scientific arguments against God by so many men, as I'm starting to see just how they are missing the whole point of the mystery of human transcendence. I'm currently a seeker, drawn to church but struggling with my thoughts about the (patriarchal) institution and my previous atheism, but you are one of the people I have come across lately who is giving me new hope and direction. I bought your (audio)book last night and am already stuck in. Thank you for speaking about this topic so eloquently and with such alive-ness.
I like you wish for all religions/spirituality to be rescued from Patriarchy. The One True God of Abraham and given the moniker "Him" as a backlash to the more ancient many gods including the prominent life giving woman as God had the biggest influence in created it. Jesus as a Christian had better instincts towards women if only that would be highlighted.
This articulates so many things I've felt. It reminds me a bit of Chesterton in Orthodoxy when he says "The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits."
In his book Dominion, Tom Holland ends by saying that to write about the history of Christianity is to write about the doings of men, but to reflect on what Christianity means left him reflecting on the example of women in his life. I don't take this to mean that women are more Christian, or holier. But in my experience, women are less interested in propositions and more interested in experiences, and that's a very needed thing.
Perhaps once I fully step forward into the public with my creative/vocational voice (my day job is already very public in philanthropy) I will pitch myself for your pod - and we can become wonderfully curious kin. There is so little difference between an animist and a Christian, when it comes to the essence of our faith(s), imho.
I have a friend who says pansychism and Christianity are entirely compatible (the rocks cry out in praise) so this doesn’t sound bonkers to me
Yes, far from bonkers, more like two beautiful streams flowing in parallel to each other.
As an academic who is non-binary but raised as a woman I really resonated with a lot of this! I am always hesitant to speak on topics I am not at least 80% confident on, even though I know my male colleagues would. A tricky thing to try and overcome.
As an aside, thank for the introduction to the idea of different hemispheric approaches!
Beautifully articulated. And I recall, back in the 80s and 90s, being the only pregnant woman in business school. The only woman in a room of bankers. Or IT types. The token women. Very uncomfortable. Made for some weird re-shaping and confirming of how I presented myself. And, someone had to go first. Our mothers did the same in their time. So thank you for bearing the discomfort and shifting the contexts. Even if only a bit.
Such a wonderful piece. So refreshing to see two heartfelt thinkers “yes, and-ing” (a principle from improv) each other to precipitate insight.
I felt especially “seen”, as they say nowadays (as man who is quicker to articulate a feeling than use Greek) when you wrote “right hemispherically minded people”. It opens the door for the Emissary and Master to usefully regain their rightful place in the body of each person and in our society.
It was the early promise of decoupling gender from sex that I found hopeful. There are probably plenty of non-binary folks who might have lots to add here. Maybe in the newly reclaimed space of left/right brain we have reason for hope.
Thank you! I like this perspective a lot
Such a necessary conversation. I want to cheer you on - we so need women's voices in the public sphere, and it is so hard! The power differential is not going away anytime soon and those women who enter the fray deserve support from the rest of us.
I've come to believe that women (and others) need to find and nourish their own ways of making their voices heard, their own kinds of support in order to persevere. Tara Mohr's Playing Big programme offers one way I've found helpful, and the writing of Simone de Beauvoir pushes me into action on days when hiding feels more comfortable.
Thank you for your work!