I’ve read and written about this before but our obsession with frictionless lives is ruining friendships!!!! No one wants to inconvenience their friends anymore but what’s a friend if they can’t even help you move furniture? I have also been thinking that frictionless technology is making us… bad at problem solving? I’m unsure how to word it but growing up an elder gen Z I still had to learn my way around computers and softwares and operating systems, yet now I see especially in the work place younger gen z’s do not know what to do if an app or software doesn’t work as they’re so used to simply tapping a button. I don’t want to shit on anyone but I do feel this way of design is taking away even more agency than technology already has. Anyway these are new and yet unformed thoughts. :)
Just beautiful, Elizabeth. Thank you for these reminders. Simple and profound. Difference is where aliveness lives, waiting to relieve us of the heavy burdens of certainty and comfort.
I've been working my way towards writing something about the way consumerism ruins our appetite for relational work---as in, we approach relationships in the same way we do the store shelf, ready to walk on by if the person doesn't tickle our preference-o-meter. But it's not an easy topic to broach, in part because it cuts deep and asks me to take a hard look at my own relational patterns.
Great piece Elizabeth, and a perfect story about the pizza to illustrate.
I was meditating on friction as I hung out the washing today - and one of the thoughts that came to me is if what you are doing isn't involving friction it probably cannot be called care (at least how Illich describes care which I tried to unpack here https://overthefield.substack.com/p/what-care-demands).
I think of the big scale farmer up in his AC cooled tractor complete with GPS technology. It is relatively frictionless for him to manage his soils, but he probably isn't caring for them to the best of his ability or noticing when parts of his land/soil need particulate care. (and his tractor is probably causing a lot of compaction!). Not to say that big-scale farmers cannot care, but their frictionlessness and large scale makes it more difficult.
Converse this with the small-scale farmer who is either going full on Wendell Berry and using a team of horses, or is using a smaller, more clunky tractor. She can notice her soils condition in real time, she can vary her tempo, speed etc as the soils needs permit, and she can notice the skylark who has decided to nest in part of her field. In short, she can care.
Yes! This reminds me of something I swear Wendell Berry wrote, though I’ve never been able to find it again… that the size of a farm should never exceed the farmer’s affection. How much land should one own? Only as much as one can tend to with care. That is our human limit.
This won’t remove friction, as you beautifully describe, but it puts friction in the service of love — and those are baffles worth enduring.
I think Mr. Berry makes this point in numerous essays, but one concrete quote I have found is this from 'Agricultural Solutions for Agricultural problems':
"In any given region there is a limit beyond which a farm outgrows the attention, affection and care of a single owner."
He also makes a very similar point in 'The Agrarian Standard' which is a phenomenal essay and in 'Think Little'.
I hear you and love the idea of relational friction as an important dimension of living. But having struggled all day to submit additional information related to my mother's probate application, I wonder if its important to delineate types of friction in more detail.
Interpersonal friction needs some emotional dimension to grow, but when I swear at my partner because he's asked me how I'm going with the probate submission, is it positive? I guess he sees my limits, my stress and perhaps that strengthens our relationship.
But in other respects, he's the human victim of my frustration, which is a consequence of the legal language I don't entirely understand, the rules about who can sign a probate affidavit and the sergeant who has called in sick at the local police station when I try to get these documents signed.
A frictionless machine is easier to live with. Frictionful relationships help us grow. But in-between humans and machines, friction has fallout that seems to be a double edged sword.
Love this. In Sufism we talk about polishing the heart, to reflect God. Polishing involves friction! While there are special spiritual exercises to do, everyday life is an indispensable source of friction, that surfaces our shadow for us to deal with… and also keeps us humble whenever we start getting inflated opinions about ourselves!
Yes really interesting as we all do lean towards an individualistic life and avoiding friction, I definitely do. But some friction seems bad and not helpful, eg bullying in school or a horrible toxic workplace. Is friction always helpful when both parties are not willing to be open to change? It might lead to one person in the group learning that they can always get their own way. I am a christian and am trying to learn to be sacrificial in loving others but its a really hard line to draw, as what if you are just in a difficult situation and there is no meaning or purpose in it, as you aren't learning from each other and becoming more unified, you are just suffering in a difficult situation for no purpose.... things to think through!!
I had a similar discussion a while back while staying at the L’Abri community in Hampshire with a UX designer, having done some work with user-centred design myself - while there’s often value in removing friction in software and the like, I was saying that in life and in community friction can be a good thing. Churches can sometimes try too hard to remove all friction, and while we want to be hospitable, there’s an appropriate friction to discipleship - we need it to rub off our rough edges!
Everybody’s wandering around saying ‘be nice!’ Just off a family conversation about ‘inadvertent offence’ so a most timely essay Elizabeth. The middle classes in particular seem to lack depth to their lives because of this oleaginous ‘nice’ness - endless dinner party conversation about nothing for fear of not getting invited back :) Anything living needs a good feed of Alpaca poo! :)
At another angle - working again with Iain McGilchrist’s ‘Master and his Emmissary’, I note that ‘self-consciousness’ when it arrives on the scene is applauded, only to eventually overwhelm everything. A bit of metaphorical nakedness is essential to any truthful relationship. Our perpetual covering up, trying to fit in only corrodes in the long term
I’ve read and written about this before but our obsession with frictionless lives is ruining friendships!!!! No one wants to inconvenience their friends anymore but what’s a friend if they can’t even help you move furniture? I have also been thinking that frictionless technology is making us… bad at problem solving? I’m unsure how to word it but growing up an elder gen Z I still had to learn my way around computers and softwares and operating systems, yet now I see especially in the work place younger gen z’s do not know what to do if an app or software doesn’t work as they’re so used to simply tapping a button. I don’t want to shit on anyone but I do feel this way of design is taking away even more agency than technology already has. Anyway these are new and yet unformed thoughts. :)
Just beautiful, Elizabeth. Thank you for these reminders. Simple and profound. Difference is where aliveness lives, waiting to relieve us of the heavy burdens of certainty and comfort.
Ooof Adam that last line
I've been working my way towards writing something about the way consumerism ruins our appetite for relational work---as in, we approach relationships in the same way we do the store shelf, ready to walk on by if the person doesn't tickle our preference-o-meter. But it's not an easy topic to broach, in part because it cuts deep and asks me to take a hard look at my own relational patterns.
sounds like every time i preach a sermon: i am required to take my own soul to school in the process
but we need that piece, when you are ready
Great piece Elizabeth, and a perfect story about the pizza to illustrate.
I was meditating on friction as I hung out the washing today - and one of the thoughts that came to me is if what you are doing isn't involving friction it probably cannot be called care (at least how Illich describes care which I tried to unpack here https://overthefield.substack.com/p/what-care-demands).
I think of the big scale farmer up in his AC cooled tractor complete with GPS technology. It is relatively frictionless for him to manage his soils, but he probably isn't caring for them to the best of his ability or noticing when parts of his land/soil need particulate care. (and his tractor is probably causing a lot of compaction!). Not to say that big-scale farmers cannot care, but their frictionlessness and large scale makes it more difficult.
Converse this with the small-scale farmer who is either going full on Wendell Berry and using a team of horses, or is using a smaller, more clunky tractor. She can notice her soils condition in real time, she can vary her tempo, speed etc as the soils needs permit, and she can notice the skylark who has decided to nest in part of her field. In short, she can care.
Yes! This reminds me of something I swear Wendell Berry wrote, though I’ve never been able to find it again… that the size of a farm should never exceed the farmer’s affection. How much land should one own? Only as much as one can tend to with care. That is our human limit.
This won’t remove friction, as you beautifully describe, but it puts friction in the service of love — and those are baffles worth enduring.
Indeed, he did write that and I will try and find the source for you Nicole. In the meantime you might enjoy this essay that I wrote on the same theme https://overthefield.substack.com/p/the-good-farmer-and-his-limits
And "those are baffles worth enduring" - that is a brilliant little phrase. Love it.
Please let me know where that quote is from!! Looking forward to reading your post ~
I think Mr. Berry makes this point in numerous essays, but one concrete quote I have found is this from 'Agricultural Solutions for Agricultural problems':
"In any given region there is a limit beyond which a farm outgrows the attention, affection and care of a single owner."
He also makes a very similar point in 'The Agrarian Standard' which is a phenomenal essay and in 'Think Little'.
Beautiful thank you
I hear you and love the idea of relational friction as an important dimension of living. But having struggled all day to submit additional information related to my mother's probate application, I wonder if its important to delineate types of friction in more detail.
Interpersonal friction needs some emotional dimension to grow, but when I swear at my partner because he's asked me how I'm going with the probate submission, is it positive? I guess he sees my limits, my stress and perhaps that strengthens our relationship.
But in other respects, he's the human victim of my frustration, which is a consequence of the legal language I don't entirely understand, the rules about who can sign a probate affidavit and the sergeant who has called in sick at the local police station when I try to get these documents signed.
A frictionless machine is easier to live with. Frictionful relationships help us grow. But in-between humans and machines, friction has fallout that seems to be a double edged sword.
Absolutely!
And I’m sorry, this sounds both stressful and emotionally horrible
Love this. In Sufism we talk about polishing the heart, to reflect God. Polishing involves friction! While there are special spiritual exercises to do, everyday life is an indispensable source of friction, that surfaces our shadow for us to deal with… and also keeps us humble whenever we start getting inflated opinions about ourselves!
Polishing the heart. Lovely image, thank you
Yes really interesting as we all do lean towards an individualistic life and avoiding friction, I definitely do. But some friction seems bad and not helpful, eg bullying in school or a horrible toxic workplace. Is friction always helpful when both parties are not willing to be open to change? It might lead to one person in the group learning that they can always get their own way. I am a christian and am trying to learn to be sacrificial in loving others but its a really hard line to draw, as what if you are just in a difficult situation and there is no meaning or purpose in it, as you aren't learning from each other and becoming more unified, you are just suffering in a difficult situation for no purpose.... things to think through!!
👋 Loved the song and the post- and now a chance to 'see' you here more often. Much love xx
back at you wonderful woman
I had a similar discussion a while back while staying at the L’Abri community in Hampshire with a UX designer, having done some work with user-centred design myself - while there’s often value in removing friction in software and the like, I was saying that in life and in community friction can be a good thing. Churches can sometimes try too hard to remove all friction, and while we want to be hospitable, there’s an appropriate friction to discipleship - we need it to rub off our rough edges!
Yes! I have a similar reaction to the notion that an outfit or meal or dance move should appear to be “effortless.”
Everybody’s wandering around saying ‘be nice!’ Just off a family conversation about ‘inadvertent offence’ so a most timely essay Elizabeth. The middle classes in particular seem to lack depth to their lives because of this oleaginous ‘nice’ness - endless dinner party conversation about nothing for fear of not getting invited back :) Anything living needs a good feed of Alpaca poo! :)
At another angle - working again with Iain McGilchrist’s ‘Master and his Emmissary’, I note that ‘self-consciousness’ when it arrives on the scene is applauded, only to eventually overwhelm everything. A bit of metaphorical nakedness is essential to any truthful relationship. Our perpetual covering up, trying to fit in only corrodes in the long term
Thank you!