This connected for me with something I've been thinking about recently after taking up Brazilian Jiu-jitsu (2 months in!) at a mostly-male gym. There's at least one other woman who practices there regularly, but she and I have different schedules, so I've only met her once and never been in class with her.
I spend most of my life in an academic office environment that tries its best to be carefully gender neutral to the extent that it feels jarring to me when something is mentioned about the man leading the all women team or needing more men in the office, etc..
And so, being in an environment where I am very clearly the smallest, weakest person present, as well as the only woman and awkward new white belt, has been been an interesting experience and a good reminder that there is something real to the physical embodiment of gender that doesn't necessarily need to inspire fear in me.
The guys in my gym are mostly in their 30's, mostly married, and many with young kids. They're nice, hardworking, adults who choose this gym, because they know no one there is going to put winning before learning or winning before safety. They're the kinds of guys who choose this gym, because there are really early morning classes, so people can go before the kids are up and needing to get to school or day care. They're the kinds of guys who choose this gym, because there are kids' classes that are fun, and they know they can trust the coaches with their kids.
I spent a good portion of 20's into my early 30's afraid to trust men, physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually, because of men I'd known who cared way more about power and prestige than about their families or who had been taught that being a man meant making ALL of the decisions for your family, including choosing the direction the family goes (usually revolving around the man's interests / goals) and what even adult members of the family can and cannot do.
In my mid-30's, I joined a really small church where I started learn that there are good men who I could trust with my mind and soul, and maybe even with my emotions. Now, I feel like I'm learning that there are good men that I can trust with my physical presence. BJJ is a grappling sport, so I have to trust a whole group of men who are stronger than me not to hurt me, not to take advantage of their strength to touch inappropriately, not to take advantage of their strength to belittle me. And these guys have been worthy of my trust so far: because they're good guys who care more about learning and growing than winning. Because they're good guys who love the sport but don't want it to interfere with their ability to be good dads and husbands. Because they're good guys who chose a sport with a philosophy that you adjust your strength to match your opponent when you spar (rolling in bjj), because you learn things when you match yourself to opponents of different strength and experience and skill.
I wish there was more place in the modern world to experience real, gendered, difference and not have to be afraid of it.
This resonates deeply for me. I'm a woman in my 40's who, after pursuing a Communications degree, spent decades working in metal fabrication - first in high-end furniture and then in sculpture. I've since moved on to managing the sculpture studio. Developing hands-on skills has been transformational to my sense of the world and my sense of self. And it has transformed my options in life too. I'm currently converting a van to live in and was confident to take on the whole build myself because of my background. The electrical is a learning curve but that is just more of the same arc of transformation. I write about these topics on by substack. I see our sculpture studio as a perfect laboratory for developing a healthy, grounded relationship to tool use - the kind that makes one sensitive to which tools are expansive and which dulling. I'm delighted that you're getting the younger generation elbows deep in these experiences. Bravo!
This connected for me with something I've been thinking about recently after taking up Brazilian Jiu-jitsu (2 months in!) at a mostly-male gym. There's at least one other woman who practices there regularly, but she and I have different schedules, so I've only met her once and never been in class with her.
I spend most of my life in an academic office environment that tries its best to be carefully gender neutral to the extent that it feels jarring to me when something is mentioned about the man leading the all women team or needing more men in the office, etc..
And so, being in an environment where I am very clearly the smallest, weakest person present, as well as the only woman and awkward new white belt, has been been an interesting experience and a good reminder that there is something real to the physical embodiment of gender that doesn't necessarily need to inspire fear in me.
The guys in my gym are mostly in their 30's, mostly married, and many with young kids. They're nice, hardworking, adults who choose this gym, because they know no one there is going to put winning before learning or winning before safety. They're the kinds of guys who choose this gym, because there are really early morning classes, so people can go before the kids are up and needing to get to school or day care. They're the kinds of guys who choose this gym, because there are kids' classes that are fun, and they know they can trust the coaches with their kids.
I spent a good portion of 20's into my early 30's afraid to trust men, physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually, because of men I'd known who cared way more about power and prestige than about their families or who had been taught that being a man meant making ALL of the decisions for your family, including choosing the direction the family goes (usually revolving around the man's interests / goals) and what even adult members of the family can and cannot do.
In my mid-30's, I joined a really small church where I started learn that there are good men who I could trust with my mind and soul, and maybe even with my emotions. Now, I feel like I'm learning that there are good men that I can trust with my physical presence. BJJ is a grappling sport, so I have to trust a whole group of men who are stronger than me not to hurt me, not to take advantage of their strength to touch inappropriately, not to take advantage of their strength to belittle me. And these guys have been worthy of my trust so far: because they're good guys who care more about learning and growing than winning. Because they're good guys who love the sport but don't want it to interfere with their ability to be good dads and husbands. Because they're good guys who chose a sport with a philosophy that you adjust your strength to match your opponent when you spar (rolling in bjj), because you learn things when you match yourself to opponents of different strength and experience and skill.
I wish there was more place in the modern world to experience real, gendered, difference and not have to be afraid of it.
This is beautiful and made me a bit teary. Thank you
This resonates deeply for me. I'm a woman in my 40's who, after pursuing a Communications degree, spent decades working in metal fabrication - first in high-end furniture and then in sculpture. I've since moved on to managing the sculpture studio. Developing hands-on skills has been transformational to my sense of the world and my sense of self. And it has transformed my options in life too. I'm currently converting a van to live in and was confident to take on the whole build myself because of my background. The electrical is a learning curve but that is just more of the same arc of transformation. I write about these topics on by substack. I see our sculpture studio as a perfect laboratory for developing a healthy, grounded relationship to tool use - the kind that makes one sensitive to which tools are expansive and which dulling. I'm delighted that you're getting the younger generation elbows deep in these experiences. Bravo!
Love this